Finding Joy in Heartache

I lost the love of my life in 2020…only to find myself on a path towards self-discovery. Sadly, I lost my own identity while waiting years for flawed expectations and broken promises to come to bear. So to move forward with a growth mindset, I started reading my journals dating back to 1989–looking to trace past missteps that led to the heartache in my present, so I won’t repeat similar patterns in my future.

While there are moments of torment reliving trauma from childhood, young adulthood, and life in general, there are times I am tickled by forgotten treasures, like when I crafted the lyrics of an incomplete one and done rap song in the early 90’s:

Like Snap proclaims I got the power
To achieve to breathe, to knead the sweetest victory
From the Planet of Brooklyn I arise,
The light I give off, blinds so shield your eyes
I make music to please and rhymes to tease.
I outrule MC Hammer and you can’t touch me

I’ll make you sweat when we meet for combat
Cuz I’m a Black woman with strength, you best to believe that
I’ll minimize your style and slice you with a nail file
Open you up, read you then write you
Sign your death slip cuz my contract is your life

Again and again, I speak the words of the supreme being
Which is me, the lovely dark-skinned lady
I’m poison, but yet and still you want to drink me
I’m death, but then again you want to meet me

I’m not as innocent as I look
I got the heart of a demon, the mind of a crook
I’ll rob you first then shake your hand
Chew a man, spit him out, cuz his taste is bland
Be as it may, I’m in popular demand
I do the can can and get a grip on any man

Like Madonna, I prefer the hanky-panky
I like my man to spank me, rather in the eve
Cuz in the morn, I’m kind of cranky

LL claims that he is ready, willing and able
And if he’s willing, I’m capable
If he needs love, love I’ll deliver
I’ll entice, delight, and make him shiver with fright
Cuz this b-girl is just too much for a single night

Like a bomb, I’ll explode
Make your brain overload
From my mouth wisdom flows and my mind knowledge grows
Peace to the Knotty Headz for the truth they show
I school in common sense
Dismiss those who heads are dense
And to the alcoholics I pass out the breath mints
I tried pot once, but never a second time
I’m on a club tip but I bust an occassional rhyme…
(to be continued)

On our life paths, we grieve circumstances. Our pain and grief may sometimes outweigh the joy and excitement the memory of those experiences brought, and the places or people whom you shared them with. Through it all, there are always reminders to laugh out loud and find the joy in your life, even if it resembles a poorly written rap song that went nowhere, but still has the opportunity to be sung. And for that I am grateful.